As some of you know if you follow me elsewhere, this year particularly I have been suffering with anxiety. It's something I am striving every day to bring under my control. Last term at university I had too bad anxiety to go in and had also lost all motivation to go in anyway. I managed to pass that term, but it made me feel horrible.
I am really looking forward to getting back to work in what is my final year this year, but things like sitting in lectures is something that I know I will find hard. I am a few weeks into my CBT so I am on my way to getting back to normal, but not completely by any stretch of the imagination. Today I had an induction lecture for an hour and it just seemed impossible for me. I was so worried that lectures this year were not going to happen. I was, however, determined. I spoke about it to my CBT leader, and I asked Jack to wait at the university while I was there. I feel like no one understands anxiety, unless you experience it yourself. I don't mean getting anxious about a presentation or getting anxious for an interview. I mean not being able to walk down the street alone without honestly feeling like the world is crashing in right on you. I feel like when you have a physical condition people are willing to rally round you, they ask if you are okay, they reward you for getting through a nasty treatment. They don't forget about it usually either. But with something like anxiety or I can imagine, any kind of mental struggle, people just don't get it.
Anyway, I did it! I went to uni, I sat through a lecture, I took notes, I saw all the people I've missed. I was fine. I enjoyed it. It was a struggle, it was not nice, but I did it. And I was so proud. I kind of felt like when I came out I deserved this massive applause and praise, but I suppose to everyone else it's just sitting in a theatre for an hour. I got a bit disheartened when it didn't happen. But I am so proud of myself, now I know that I can do it. This year will be a bit difficult but I'm also feeling positive and happy about it. It's 8 months until the end of the year. I did it, I did it, I diiiiiddddd iiitttt :D
Yay me. :)